Sneaky Season of Grief

 
In the three months since my husband passed away from multiple myeloma
I have discovered that grief is sneaky! Many days I have felt better, only to
feel anger or dissolve into tears when confronted by something that
reminded me of him or the disease itself. I took my rage out on the illness
and for a short time turned my back on the many friends and medical
staff who had supported us so much through the years. By avoiding
people around me & the places Bill and I visited, I hoped
to close off the pain channel in my heart.

I took a trip to NC where we had owned a home for many years. I took
part of Bill to the top of his beloved mountain and left him there for eternity.
Upon my return I attended a portion of my 40th high school reunion and
brought home my 5 month old border collie puppy to train as
therapy dog, hopefully to use one day in my practice.

During these two weeks, the anger and sadness have faded,
with only a few sneak attacks. Life's colors have brightened with the
fall leaves. My husband is with me always, but I am turning outward again to
a new life without him physically in sight each day. The value of
what life holds for me is more evident. While I don't doubt
the continuing power of grieving, I have energy for a new life,
being released and something I haven't felt in many days,
kinda of sneaking up on me also...joy!










Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

 "We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us
 - Joseph Campbell."

  Parents of children with special needs come to my office with a great deal of grief...sadness and
  anger buried over the plans they had for their child that never was. So often
  a Mom or Dad just can't get past the fact this child is who & what they are, instead of all the
  parent had hoped & dreamed their child might be. If we are unable to work past this in
  therapy both the child and the parents miss out on what their life is & can
  be every day that they have together. I heard a parent advocate say once and
  I am paraphrasing..."these families miss out on the trip they can take to Japan, because
  the parents   keep grieving over their lost trip to France."

  Due to the economic downturn of the last several years, many retirees feel the same way.Those
  who come to my office are lamenting the loss of the retirement  they have so carefully planned
  perhaps for 30 years.  They may have to continue to work or are stuck in the family home that
  is no longer worth close to what it once was. As the days go by, life goes on,
  but these folks miss out sadly holding onto their past dreams instead.

 When my hubby was first diagnosed with MM, we thought the " new normal" wouldn't be so
 tough....and  life went on. Then with pneumonia, (several), hospitalizations and a last minute
 spleen removal, our life that was "waiting for us" kept changing. It has gotten even more
 restrictive as  far as plans go, my work, travel and even  time with family now, as Bill catches
 infections very,  very easily. But he isn't in much pain and we know how lucky he is to have
 MM and not have weak,  aching bones every day. He is here and we are together still in this life.

I have little doubt our friends may be wagering at this point as to whether we will
show up to any planned event! Family too! But oh when we do...what a wonderful
time we have! We "take the little times and make them big times..and
"save the times that are alright, for the ones that aren't so good" ( R. McKuen, The Sea ).  









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148
https://jodihunderhilllmhc.secure-client-area.com/portal/index/default/

Don't Give Up On Balance

 

 Since Bill's illness was diagnosed three years ago our wonderful friends have become even more understanding than before. Many times we have to cancel plans at the last minute as Bill's multiple myeloma & the infections are so unpredictable. Hubby can feel fine at 2pm in the afternoon only to be ill by 5pm. We so love our buddies who make allowances for us.

I have noticed over my years of private practice that

many clients even with good support systems

over time begin not setting goals, even small ones

for the future. These are folks that did not demonstrate

any signs of depression and appear to want to

spend time in their social circles. Early

in my counseling career this would stump me as I

would look for symptoms that might underlie the

obvious. 

To keep balance in my life I entered horse shows,

or agreed to a beach ride, only to have to cancel on several occasions as Bill has become ill. People are very understanding...and thankfully, they keep pushing me to try

again. 

My clients didn't want to keep being disappointed

when something they had looked forward to did not

materialize.  Some may have withdrawn or just didn't bother to make future plans with friends or family based on the immediate past. They didn't want to be let down or let others down again. Many have told me over time this is easier on them emotionally than the highs and lows of plans falling through. Or did they lack any further energy to try?

Many caretakers and cancer patients know this "normal"

that has become their daily lives all depending of course

on where they are in the treatment process and the

disease they are fighting. Online support groups,

Facebook pages, blogging and activities around the home

that bring pleasure can many times help to fill the void.

Scheduling friends to "drop by" to be with your loved while

you make it to your planned activity can also help a great

deal to refuel your emotional engines.

While it may be tempting to pull back from your social world. Don't as you can get so stuck with an unbalanced life, that it can feel like quicksand. DO what you need to do for

balance. Reach out!

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health

Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

They Still Stand

Spring has come early this year. Experiencing a cold
winter of loss & darkness,  it could not have come too soon. Strong winds
blow the remnants of the dark season away, to be replaced with early blooms and
promise of brighter days.

My husband and I turn on the water to encourage the flowers & grass
to grow. The progress might be slower this year as the older trees possess
less strength. Those once tall wooden towers worn
down by time and disease... but like every spring while they
still stand ...there is hope renewed.






Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor
 License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

I Can't Hear You?

 
I can't hear you??? I recall a comedic skit as a kid,
with a Sergeant yelling this at his platoon. I think of my
clients who work claim they hear, only to discover
through therapy how to truly listen.


The past two weeks I have had ear issues, where it
is like trying to get what someone is saying
through a waterfall. I can't help but wonder
how many feel listen like this, in a figurative way 
each day. Through their own " flow"
they hear their family, coworkers and the world
in general...making responses based on
what they have taken in, distorted by their
own individual listening waves.

One of my hubby's medications 
 practically prevent him from hearing at all.
He is so energetic, all he wants to do
is talk. He is like the energizer bunny in the
battery commercials, both physically &
verbally...moving constantly, talking,
as he goes. I have to admit, I feel relieved
at times, when one of his buddies calls or
stops by so they can listen to his stories,
he tells over and over again...practically,
without taking a breath.

I wonder how many of you have friends like
that? They come, tell you their "story" for
the day and then as you are beginning to
share, they appear to either not hear you,
or respond to you in ways that make
you wonder what they just heard.
Or do you at times think  "did they hear me at all"?









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor
 #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

Birth Order or "Changes in Lattitude, Changes in Attitude"?

So much is written about birth order and how it affects our development. The changes, over time, in the families can go  unexamined or the genetic predispositions not considered enough.
What has been given a lot of print however is whether one is born first, middle or last.

I often wonder how for example, siblings, close in age, from
the same family can turn out so differently? Or two born
years apart can be so similar or in other situations turn out
like parent and child. The relationships affect many times
how each handles life or if either receives support from
the other to handle life's challenges.

Many parents come to my office with similar questions...how can
the children they gave birth to be so different? One does exactly as
they are asked by parents and teachers....does so well in school and the other, well ... just the opposite! How can it be? Parents will
ask me, desperate it appears for a simple viewpoint from me that they can then easily fix. Or as I experienced this past year, the last parent dies and the middle aged siblings who hardly know each
other as adults, perhaps, are thrown together to deliver what
is left of their family's legacy to their children. The perspective
sure changes from the one held earlier in life.

So much can affect how we develop and how we will act as the adults into which we grow. No simple answers, or easy solutions. Acceptance of others, as they are and how they may view the world around them...may lead to understanding that they are so much alike, but allow for big differences...even in siblings.

As is typical it brings me back to my husband's battle with myeloma...how people affected with this same "hand"deal with
it differently and if birth order affects that as well. I am the baby of the family and while well educated, trained as a counselor, allowed to be athletic before it was popular. Things always came too easily for me or were a given. I was blessed with fair intelligence, overindulgent parents... I was adopted I was the "chosen child"....spoiled rotten, you get the picture! Due to that, I wonder, if I am going to continue to be strong enough, as the storm winds of my husband's terminal disease start to blow at at speed that even the very best of medical science cannot lower for very long. I tend to grade myself on how I am doing as a caretaker ... knowing professionally what a wrong turn on this path we are on that is.

So like everyone else I wonder how positions, birth or otherwise in our family affects how we deal with the ultimate adversities. Or does it matter at all? Research has shown both genetics and environment have such an effect on perspective in daily life, but what about with great challenges? Change comes almost daily with this disease. I have always viewed myself as quite flexible. My favorite type of counseling is working with those in crisis. But instead, I find myself on a long roller coaster ride, sometimes almost daily. I am starting to try to apply the brakes only to find unlike where my big guy and I were years ago on this journey...the feelings of having any control over where we are going have changed so much with our  position on this ride.
















Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.873.4311 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor & Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 407.264.8289 www.junderhilltherapy.com

Peanut Butter Pie

As a caretaker of a multiple myeloma patient, my hubby, I am always looking for
information to help my "Big Guy" battle his constant companion. Currently he
has had a tough time, losing weight & feeling poorly. A nurse at his local oncologist's
office told me about a frozen p'nut butter pie I could make him....full of calories,
fat and protein which he currently needs so much!

As a mental health counselor I am consistently giving out "recipes" to clients to
help them with the issues they enter my physical or online "virtual" office with.
I have felt confident that I am helping them to to have more of a map
to follow that will improve how they feel navigating their
daily lives.I feel I am giving them something they can actually DO...take
away from our counseling session to start right away make things
better.

Many times I suggest journaling as a simple way to deal with the daily stresses
that come. Like the pie idea the nurse gave me with such enthusiasm,
I encourage my clients that this will give them motivation, inspiration and a
place to vent...all things that they need so much!

So I left the oncologist's office...ran to Publix, (Florida supermarket chain), bought
the ingredients and ran home to make my hubby the pie that would help give
his body what it needed to improve. I was so glad I could actually be doing
something to make things better...since so many times as a caretaker I feel
helpless as he fights his battle against multiple myeloma. I put the pie
in the freezer, waited a bit and gave it to my husband to try...he liked
it, and like "Mikey" in the cereal commercial years ago...with Bill, finding
something good for him, he likes isn't easy!

But of course after a couple of days...while the pie is still being consumed and
hopefully putting weight on my guy...all the other issues surrounding having
cancer are still there. We will be returning to Little Rock to see his specialist
for his MM to be re-staged as his myeloma markers have increased, with
the disease doing it's best to make a big come back.

My clients must wonder after a few days of journaling that while they
may have a place to vent, and may even be feeling a bit better...
"did my counselor really think it was going to be this easy for me
to get control of my life again." Because I know as my hubby's caretaker,
as we prepare for another round of testing and looking at treatment options
...I am thinking..."if only it were all as easy as making a peanut butter pie."














Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.873.4311

What Are You Looking For Today?

I wonder what folks really want to see in a blog from a small town therapist?
Many times parts of this blog get "re-tweeted" or quoted on Facebook.
But I often wonder why was it important to that person? What is the story of
someone who chose to share my words?

What do people really want online? Motivation? Inspiration? A place to vent?
If I look at my insights on my FB business page the largest audience is usually
for an uplifting quote, an article about positive thinking or physical fitness....
many times, followers on FB or Twitter, respond to my life as a caretaker of
an multiple myeloma spouse or for tips on how to balance one's daily world.
Most popular of all no doubt are the lines shared about success and love!

What are you looking for today? I would really like to hear you!


Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC#MH9166Phone: 386.747.7148