Sneaky Season of Grief

 
In the three months since my husband passed away from multiple myeloma
I have discovered that grief is sneaky! Many days I have felt better, only to
feel anger or dissolve into tears when confronted by something that
reminded me of him or the disease itself. I took my rage out on the illness
and for a short time turned my back on the many friends and medical
staff who had supported us so much through the years. By avoiding
people around me & the places Bill and I visited, I hoped
to close off the pain channel in my heart.

I took a trip to NC where we had owned a home for many years. I took
part of Bill to the top of his beloved mountain and left him there for eternity.
Upon my return I attended a portion of my 40th high school reunion and
brought home my 5 month old border collie puppy to train as
therapy dog, hopefully to use one day in my practice.

During these two weeks, the anger and sadness have faded,
with only a few sneak attacks. Life's colors have brightened with the
fall leaves. My husband is with me always, but I am turning outward again to
a new life without him physically in sight each day. The value of
what life holds for me is more evident. While I don't doubt
the continuing power of grieving, I have energy for a new life,
being released and something I haven't felt in many days,
kinda of sneaking up on me also...joy!










Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

A Person's Purpose

Purpose..."the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." by
definition. But how does it feel when one lives without one? No definite
answer there for sure, as each of us would need find that for ourselves. Do we truly
know when we are with or without purpose to our lives?

Do you live with the purposes or values that are truly most
important to you? If you made a list of say 5 of them this minute, compared them 
to how you spent your time for the past week...would you find yourself truly living your
values? Or would you find yourself merely talking the talk, instead of walking the walk?
Would you change things up? Would you be able to? In these tough economic and
questionably moral times, the possibility for making sizable changes to our lives 
might be questionable in practice, not to mention realistically speaking.

However, the lack of purpose, might gleam as an explanation for the seemingly
unexplainable crimes, activities and issues we see going on around us
in the world these days. Do our families, towns, churches and government. 
all have a defined purpose and are they being carried out? 

You can start with yourself, the person in the mirror. If you believe you have
values and purpose in your life today, get out two pieces of paper ...
discover if you are really living them.

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

Don't Give Up On Balance

 

 Since Bill's illness was diagnosed three years ago our wonderful friends have become even more understanding than before. Many times we have to cancel plans at the last minute as Bill's multiple myeloma & the infections are so unpredictable. Hubby can feel fine at 2pm in the afternoon only to be ill by 5pm. We so love our buddies who make allowances for us.

I have noticed over my years of private practice that

many clients even with good support systems

over time begin not setting goals, even small ones

for the future. These are folks that did not demonstrate

any signs of depression and appear to want to

spend time in their social circles. Early

in my counseling career this would stump me as I

would look for symptoms that might underlie the

obvious. 

To keep balance in my life I entered horse shows,

or agreed to a beach ride, only to have to cancel on several occasions as Bill has become ill. People are very understanding...and thankfully, they keep pushing me to try

again. 

My clients didn't want to keep being disappointed

when something they had looked forward to did not

materialize.  Some may have withdrawn or just didn't bother to make future plans with friends or family based on the immediate past. They didn't want to be let down or let others down again. Many have told me over time this is easier on them emotionally than the highs and lows of plans falling through. Or did they lack any further energy to try?

Many caretakers and cancer patients know this "normal"

that has become their daily lives all depending of course

on where they are in the treatment process and the

disease they are fighting. Online support groups,

Facebook pages, blogging and activities around the home

that bring pleasure can many times help to fill the void.

Scheduling friends to "drop by" to be with your loved while

you make it to your planned activity can also help a great

deal to refuel your emotional engines.

While it may be tempting to pull back from your social world. Don't as you can get so stuck with an unbalanced life, that it can feel like quicksand. DO what you need to do for

balance. Reach out!

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health

Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

I Can't Hear You?

 
I can't hear you??? I recall a comedic skit as a kid,
with a Sergeant yelling this at his platoon. I think of my
clients who work claim they hear, only to discover
through therapy how to truly listen.


The past two weeks I have had ear issues, where it
is like trying to get what someone is saying
through a waterfall. I can't help but wonder
how many feel listen like this, in a figurative way 
each day. Through their own " flow"
they hear their family, coworkers and the world
in general...making responses based on
what they have taken in, distorted by their
own individual listening waves.

One of my hubby's medications 
 practically prevent him from hearing at all.
He is so energetic, all he wants to do
is talk. He is like the energizer bunny in the
battery commercials, both physically &
verbally...moving constantly, talking,
as he goes. I have to admit, I feel relieved
at times, when one of his buddies calls or
stops by so they can listen to his stories,
he tells over and over again...practically,
without taking a breath.

I wonder how many of you have friends like
that? They come, tell you their "story" for
the day and then as you are beginning to
share, they appear to either not hear you,
or respond to you in ways that make
you wonder what they just heard.
Or do you at times think  "did they hear me at all"?









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor
 #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

What Are You Looking For Today?

I wonder what folks really want to see in a blog from a small town therapist?
Many times parts of this blog get "re-tweeted" or quoted on Facebook.
But I often wonder why was it important to that person? What is the story of
someone who chose to share my words?

What do people really want online? Motivation? Inspiration? A place to vent?
If I look at my insights on my FB business page the largest audience is usually
for an uplifting quote, an article about positive thinking or physical fitness....
many times, followers on FB or Twitter, respond to my life as a caretaker of
an multiple myeloma spouse or for tips on how to balance one's daily world.
Most popular of all no doubt are the lines shared about success and love!

What are you looking for today? I would really like to hear you!


Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC#MH9166Phone: 386.747.7148

The Blues of the Season

Does the beginning of the holiday season bring dread into your heart? As you
go into the stores and see the decorations going up does it bring tears
to your eyes, rather than a twinkle & a smile?

Many people suffer from seasonal depression, particularly now, between
November-January. For some it is the memories of better days, while
for others the solitary hours that are their daily lives. Still many will tell you
this time of the year has always made them "blue".

The temptation will be there to try to cheer these suffering folks up or get them into the "holiday spirit". Without trying to motivate them, go and be with them instead. When much of the world is in a celebratory mood, you may not understand. But give them an opportunity to tell you their "story". For someone who is surrounded by "blue" instead of the traditional red, brown & gold of this holiday season just being there & hearing them is an incredible, caring gift.




Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor & Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 407.264.8289

"Pity Party"

Ever wake up and just cannot shake some very powerful
thoughts about your life? Many will call themselves "depressed" or say they need a "mental health day".

Perhaps even before the end of this day or the next, folks tend to begin to sheepishly apologize for taking this time to soothe themselves  or receive what they would like to get from others...attention to "negative feelings" such as sadness, fear, regret, frustration or anger.

I can't help but wonder if people should give ourselves this time more often and make it "OK"? Perhaps we could avoid many of the bigger issues such as anger problems, anxiety disorder or true clinical depression. Many of those concerns stem, though not entirely, from the build up of feelings over time that we tend to deny or push down in order to get through our day to day lives. For many this is becoming tougher all the time.We will not always get from others what we need or feel "heard" therefore building up frustrations. Many feel it is selfish to validate their own feelings, but, perhaps a "pity party" once in a while, might just be an effective "self help" prescription?




Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor/Online Therapy
Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.873.4311