Sneaky Season of Grief

 
In the three months since my husband passed away from multiple myeloma
I have discovered that grief is sneaky! Many days I have felt better, only to
feel anger or dissolve into tears when confronted by something that
reminded me of him or the disease itself. I took my rage out on the illness
and for a short time turned my back on the many friends and medical
staff who had supported us so much through the years. By avoiding
people around me & the places Bill and I visited, I hoped
to close off the pain channel in my heart.

I took a trip to NC where we had owned a home for many years. I took
part of Bill to the top of his beloved mountain and left him there for eternity.
Upon my return I attended a portion of my 40th high school reunion and
brought home my 5 month old border collie puppy to train as
therapy dog, hopefully to use one day in my practice.

During these two weeks, the anger and sadness have faded,
with only a few sneak attacks. Life's colors have brightened with the
fall leaves. My husband is with me always, but I am turning outward again to
a new life without him physically in sight each day. The value of
what life holds for me is more evident. While I don't doubt
the continuing power of grieving, I have energy for a new life,
being released and something I haven't felt in many days,
kinda of sneaking up on me also...joy!










Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

A Person's Purpose

Purpose..."the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." by
definition. But how does it feel when one lives without one? No definite
answer there for sure, as each of us would need find that for ourselves. Do we truly
know when we are with or without purpose to our lives?

Do you live with the purposes or values that are truly most
important to you? If you made a list of say 5 of them this minute, compared them 
to how you spent your time for the past week...would you find yourself truly living your
values? Or would you find yourself merely talking the talk, instead of walking the walk?
Would you change things up? Would you be able to? In these tough economic and
questionably moral times, the possibility for making sizable changes to our lives 
might be questionable in practice, not to mention realistically speaking.

However, the lack of purpose, might gleam as an explanation for the seemingly
unexplainable crimes, activities and issues we see going on around us
in the world these days. Do our families, towns, churches and government. 
all have a defined purpose and are they being carried out? 

You can start with yourself, the person in the mirror. If you believe you have
values and purpose in your life today, get out two pieces of paper ...
discover if you are really living them.

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

I Can't Hear You?

 
I can't hear you??? I recall a comedic skit as a kid,
with a Sergeant yelling this at his platoon. I think of my
clients who work claim they hear, only to discover
through therapy how to truly listen.


The past two weeks I have had ear issues, where it
is like trying to get what someone is saying
through a waterfall. I can't help but wonder
how many feel listen like this, in a figurative way 
each day. Through their own " flow"
they hear their family, coworkers and the world
in general...making responses based on
what they have taken in, distorted by their
own individual listening waves.

One of my hubby's medications 
 practically prevent him from hearing at all.
He is so energetic, all he wants to do
is talk. He is like the energizer bunny in the
battery commercials, both physically &
verbally...moving constantly, talking,
as he goes. I have to admit, I feel relieved
at times, when one of his buddies calls or
stops by so they can listen to his stories,
he tells over and over again...practically,
without taking a breath.

I wonder how many of you have friends like
that? They come, tell you their "story" for
the day and then as you are beginning to
share, they appear to either not hear you,
or respond to you in ways that make
you wonder what they just heard.
Or do you at times think  "did they hear me at all"?









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor
 #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148

The Roller Coaster, Would I Rather Be Off?

Reading my favorite daily blogs and reviewing some FB posts this am I ran
across something that while initially making me angry made me stop
and take another look at the tides that we all deal with in life. Whether
it is in a relationship, our career or a disease, we all experience ups
and downs that come with being human.

In counseling I remind clients quite often that it is the perspective
of their view occurring in their daily travels that will determine  
how they feel. The color of the glasses they see events through
or what they say to themselves, ("self talk") make such
a difference..."therapist speak"!

An article referenced on Facebook, talked about how patients create their
own highs and lows on the cancer roller coaster by hope. Now
by thinking something new might not help...or yet that a remission wouldn't
last long time was not something I wanted to consider. While it
can be incredibly tough on us those who are on the MM ride, not
to mention the patient,  it is also something that binds us together in a mutual
understanding of our daily experiences.

I thought the person putting this on a Facebook page was being cruel
 initially. But to my surprise as the  day wore on (and it was one of those wearing days)
...I began to feel differently and even treasure the valley, ( I admit it has looked
mighty deep at times, as for most caregivers) Instead of the
journal's idea that we should just accept  an end of our MM journey after a certain
amount of time, regardless of the treatment,  the ups and downs of our roller coaster
ride looked pretty sweet after all. I like the "hope" perspective!

As a therapist I do believe in the view of our time here on earth, as well
as what we tell ourselves about it, whether it is from
the mountain or the valley. Kahlil Gibran once wrote:
"He who has not looked on Sorrow will never see Joy."
 



Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor & Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.747.7148

Birth Order or "Changes in Lattitude, Changes in Attitude"?

So much is written about birth order and how it affects our development. The changes, over time, in the families can go  unexamined or the genetic predispositions not considered enough.
What has been given a lot of print however is whether one is born first, middle or last.

I often wonder how for example, siblings, close in age, from
the same family can turn out so differently? Or two born
years apart can be so similar or in other situations turn out
like parent and child. The relationships affect many times
how each handles life or if either receives support from
the other to handle life's challenges.

Many parents come to my office with similar questions...how can
the children they gave birth to be so different? One does exactly as
they are asked by parents and teachers....does so well in school and the other, well ... just the opposite! How can it be? Parents will
ask me, desperate it appears for a simple viewpoint from me that they can then easily fix. Or as I experienced this past year, the last parent dies and the middle aged siblings who hardly know each
other as adults, perhaps, are thrown together to deliver what
is left of their family's legacy to their children. The perspective
sure changes from the one held earlier in life.

So much can affect how we develop and how we will act as the adults into which we grow. No simple answers, or easy solutions. Acceptance of others, as they are and how they may view the world around them...may lead to understanding that they are so much alike, but allow for big differences...even in siblings.

As is typical it brings me back to my husband's battle with myeloma...how people affected with this same "hand"deal with
it differently and if birth order affects that as well. I am the baby of the family and while well educated, trained as a counselor, allowed to be athletic before it was popular. Things always came too easily for me or were a given. I was blessed with fair intelligence, overindulgent parents... I was adopted I was the "chosen child"....spoiled rotten, you get the picture! Due to that, I wonder, if I am going to continue to be strong enough, as the storm winds of my husband's terminal disease start to blow at at speed that even the very best of medical science cannot lower for very long. I tend to grade myself on how I am doing as a caretaker ... knowing professionally what a wrong turn on this path we are on that is.

So like everyone else I wonder how positions, birth or otherwise in our family affects how we deal with the ultimate adversities. Or does it matter at all? Research has shown both genetics and environment have such an effect on perspective in daily life, but what about with great challenges? Change comes almost daily with this disease. I have always viewed myself as quite flexible. My favorite type of counseling is working with those in crisis. But instead, I find myself on a long roller coaster ride, sometimes almost daily. I am starting to try to apply the brakes only to find unlike where my big guy and I were years ago on this journey...the feelings of having any control over where we are going have changed so much with our  position on this ride.
















Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.873.4311 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor & Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 407.264.8289 www.junderhilltherapy.com

What Are You Looking For Today?

I wonder what folks really want to see in a blog from a small town therapist?
Many times parts of this blog get "re-tweeted" or quoted on Facebook.
But I often wonder why was it important to that person? What is the story of
someone who chose to share my words?

What do people really want online? Motivation? Inspiration? A place to vent?
If I look at my insights on my FB business page the largest audience is usually
for an uplifting quote, an article about positive thinking or physical fitness....
many times, followers on FB or Twitter, respond to my life as a caretaker of
an multiple myeloma spouse or for tips on how to balance one's daily world.
Most popular of all no doubt are the lines shared about success and love!

What are you looking for today? I would really like to hear you!


Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC#MH9166Phone: 386.747.7148

The Blues of the Season

Does the beginning of the holiday season bring dread into your heart? As you
go into the stores and see the decorations going up does it bring tears
to your eyes, rather than a twinkle & a smile?

Many people suffer from seasonal depression, particularly now, between
November-January. For some it is the memories of better days, while
for others the solitary hours that are their daily lives. Still many will tell you
this time of the year has always made them "blue".

The temptation will be there to try to cheer these suffering folks up or get them into the "holiday spirit". Without trying to motivate them, go and be with them instead. When much of the world is in a celebratory mood, you may not understand. But give them an opportunity to tell you their "story". For someone who is surrounded by "blue" instead of the traditional red, brown & gold of this holiday season just being there & hearing them is an incredible, caring gift.




Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor & Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 407.264.8289

"Pity Party"

Ever wake up and just cannot shake some very powerful
thoughts about your life? Many will call themselves "depressed" or say they need a "mental health day".

Perhaps even before the end of this day or the next, folks tend to begin to sheepishly apologize for taking this time to soothe themselves  or receive what they would like to get from others...attention to "negative feelings" such as sadness, fear, regret, frustration or anger.

I can't help but wonder if people should give ourselves this time more often and make it "OK"? Perhaps we could avoid many of the bigger issues such as anger problems, anxiety disorder or true clinical depression. Many of those concerns stem, though not entirely, from the build up of feelings over time that we tend to deny or push down in order to get through our day to day lives. For many this is becoming tougher all the time.We will not always get from others what we need or feel "heard" therefore building up frustrations. Many feel it is selfish to validate their own feelings, but, perhaps a "pity party" once in a while, might just be an effective "self help" prescription?




Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor/Online Therapy
Phone: 386.747.7148 Fax: 386.873.4311

Can I Love Too Much?

"Women Who Love Too Much" is one of my favorite books. I use it with clients constantly and I have led book studies on it as well. The other day I had someone ask me... can I really love too much?

If it interferes with your life and another's life, I say a resounding..."Yes!". That is how you will know...if what you are doing is keeping you from reaching your full potential or preventing someone close to you from growing or growing up...then you are loving TOO much!



Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
License #MH9166
Phone: 386.747.714
www.junderhilltherapy.com

Why Buy the Cheap Stuff?

A news reporter on a local station in Central Florida last evening
reported that Americans are buying more alcohol than in previous
times. In addition she reported they are buying the cheaper types
of beer and wine, as opposed to the pricier brands.

Of course being a counselor I immediately thought oh my....with
the times as tough as they are more folks are self medicating
by drinking and if they are buying the cheaper types, they can
buy more....therefore consuming more? Sure enough, the reporter
went on to confirm my fears by stating that people are
buying larger quantities and drinking at home more
often than they have in the past "to save money".

Research over the years have shown that problem drinkers
consume more often at home, in addition to drinking higher
quantities where they consider to be their secret place
to drink....their houses or apartments. While this might be
better for those driving on the roads, or having dinner at our favorite bar/grill, the overall picture painted by this new information is that during these tough economic times we as a country are turning more and more to alcohol to dull the pain in our lives.

There are so many heathier options if you are experiencing tough times in your life. The stresses of daily life can be alleviated by exercise, meditation,
your particular faith (if you have one), by talking to a friend or
even playing your favorite video game. If you are experiencing
problems that cannot be addressed by these outlets...why buy
the cheap stuff? Call a counselor or go online to talk to a therapist!



Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor &
Certified K-12 Guidance Counselor
License #MH9166
Phone: 386.747.7148
Fax: 407.264.8289
www.junderhilltherapy.com