"We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us
 - Joseph Campbell."

  Parents of children with special needs come to my office with a great deal of grief...sadness and
  anger buried over the plans they had for their child that never was. So often
  a Mom or Dad just can't get past the fact this child is who & what they are, instead of all the
  parent had hoped & dreamed their child might be. If we are unable to work past this in
  therapy both the child and the parents miss out on what their life is & can
  be every day that they have together. I heard a parent advocate say once and
  I am paraphrasing..."these families miss out on the trip they can take to Japan, because
  the parents   keep grieving over their lost trip to France."

  Due to the economic downturn of the last several years, many retirees feel the same way.Those
  who come to my office are lamenting the loss of the retirement  they have so carefully planned
  perhaps for 30 years.  They may have to continue to work or are stuck in the family home that
  is no longer worth close to what it once was. As the days go by, life goes on,
  but these folks miss out sadly holding onto their past dreams instead.

 When my hubby was first diagnosed with MM, we thought the " new normal" wouldn't be so
 tough....and  life went on. Then with pneumonia, (several), hospitalizations and a last minute
 spleen removal, our life that was "waiting for us" kept changing. It has gotten even more
 restrictive as  far as plans go, my work, travel and even  time with family now, as Bill catches
 infections very,  very easily. But he isn't in much pain and we know how lucky he is to have
 MM and not have weak,  aching bones every day. He is here and we are together still in this life.

I have little doubt our friends may be wagering at this point as to whether we will
show up to any planned event! Family too! But oh when we do...what a wonderful
time we have! We "take the little times and make them big times..and
"save the times that are alright, for the ones that aren't so good" ( R. McKuen, The Sea ).  









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148
https://jodihunderhilllmhc.secure-client-area.com/portal/index/default/

Don't Give Up On Balance

 

 Since Bill's illness was diagnosed three years ago our wonderful friends have become even more understanding than before. Many times we have to cancel plans at the last minute as Bill's multiple myeloma & the infections are so unpredictable. Hubby can feel fine at 2pm in the afternoon only to be ill by 5pm. We so love our buddies who make allowances for us.

I have noticed over my years of private practice that

many clients even with good support systems

over time begin not setting goals, even small ones

for the future. These are folks that did not demonstrate

any signs of depression and appear to want to

spend time in their social circles. Early

in my counseling career this would stump me as I

would look for symptoms that might underlie the

obvious. 

To keep balance in my life I entered horse shows,

or agreed to a beach ride, only to have to cancel on several occasions as Bill has become ill. People are very understanding...and thankfully, they keep pushing me to try

again. 

My clients didn't want to keep being disappointed

when something they had looked forward to did not

materialize.  Some may have withdrawn or just didn't bother to make future plans with friends or family based on the immediate past. They didn't want to be let down or let others down again. Many have told me over time this is easier on them emotionally than the highs and lows of plans falling through. Or did they lack any further energy to try?

Many caretakers and cancer patients know this "normal"

that has become their daily lives all depending of course

on where they are in the treatment process and the

disease they are fighting. Online support groups,

Facebook pages, blogging and activities around the home

that bring pleasure can many times help to fill the void.

Scheduling friends to "drop by" to be with your loved while

you make it to your planned activity can also help a great

deal to refuel your emotional engines.

While it may be tempting to pull back from your social world. Don't as you can get so stuck with an unbalanced life, that it can feel like quicksand. DO what you need to do for

balance. Reach out!

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health

Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148