Do You Really Want It All?

I had a good friend challenge my competitive spirit the other morning. Having always
viewed it as a motivating factor in my life it was an intriguing idea that perhaps
being competitive has actually made my life more difficult. I recall teasing
banter with my hubby, Bill...when he would tell me I couldn't have it all. My
answer would always be of course, "why not"?

We all move so quickly through our lives these days. Communication comes
from all directions and at lightening speed. I wonder many days what I'm really
missing trying to keep up with texts, emails, cable news and my cell phone's
continuous beeps alerting me to calls, voice mails and  calendar additions...do
I really want all this? Do I really need all this?

Whether walking, driving, sitting in my office or at home..unless I turn the sound
off, the bombardment is constant.  Honestly I wonder, does it keep
me from what not too long ago, was important...talking with my adult children,
my friends, listening to music,  hearing the songs of birds outdoors, the sound
of a refreshing rain on my roof or relaxing in a hammock in the back yard
as my pets lay quietly nearby. Are my heart and senses being deprived
in order for my mind to stay plugged in seemingly 24/7?

I have little doubt I missed out on some social media posts, get togethers downtown
and news flashes before I became so busy having it all. I would grumble about how
I wanted to have something or be somewhere, when I found out after the fact
...now it seems I'm constantly making decisions between
people and activities who are all important to me....many times not being
happy with the choices I feel forced to make.

Am I really happier trying to be the best I can be all the time or being
where I feel I have to be? Perhaps being preoccupied with enjoying the
day as it is...the "now", with the sound on my phone turned off might be
really wining it all. Competitive, my friend,
yes...but that as long as it encourages me to question...it's all good! 

 
























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

Fearing Forward

                    As I recovered for weeks from injuries sustained from
       falling off my horse...I could not wait to get back to my mare and out
       on the trails with my friends. It was practically all I could imagine...
       mounting "Chloe", my beautiful Tennessee Walker and  riding off. I hired
       a trainer to work with her gaits, so I could watch, while I healed...hoping
       to keep myself engaged. 
                    Finally the magical day came and my surgeon cleared me.
      I scheduled a trail ride with good friends...and off we went. It felt so wonderful,
      to be moving through the woods on Chloe's back again. She was good and behaved
      as I had expected. It almost felt "normal" again!
                  Then however near the end of the ride Chloe suddenly wouldn't stop,
      in fact, she didn't listen to my hands or my legs...began to whirl, as she had the day I fell. I 
      started to become really scared! The asphalt was right next to the trail we were on and my
      friends had moved out ahead. It was between myself and my FEAR in the form of my
      formally "dead with a heartbeat"horse. I had only been here once in my life, weeks before

      ...and I ended up hurt on the ground.

                  I had to make myself forget the hard surface I really wanted
     to avoid and concentrate on Chloe as she was in that moment, that day, not the horse
     I had known. We were able to straighten out and catch up with our friends...trying to breath
     deeply knowing all the while things had changed. The "normal"
     I had felt no longer existed...the training had worked...she was energized, wanting
     to move out with the others...while I was more timid than ever. 
                   That experience on the trail is there to remind me daily in my new life, without
     my best friend  and late husband, Bill.  The path of my life is clearly changing.
     My heart has responded to the training of the grief and has become energized wanting
     to move forward, while timid and clumsy to new friendships and experiences.
     Obstacles are presenting themselves as they did with Chloe...but this is
     my life today, and I have to learn to navigate it.I remind myself to breathe deeply and deal with 
     the fear so I can catch up with my "new normal".
     


     



























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

"Journey Without Leaving Home"

A Spiritual Journey

And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles,
no matter how long,
but only by a spiritual journey,
a journey of one inch,
very arduous and humbling and joyful,
by which we arrive at the ground at our feet,
and learn to be at home.

~Wendall Berry

 

It has been almost 3 months since I have attended to my blog. In that
time very little new has occurred. But I have "journeyed" far without ever
leaving my little Florida town and my
world has changed so very much.

I had been warned how tough the holidays would be, the New Year
and Bill's birthday...Valentine's Day. My Mother in Law was still
grieving. She refused to eat and developed a blood clot. She went into Hospice care.
People I had hoped would be there for me, even family went back to
their lives of course. But remarkably others whom
I had never expected to be in my life, stepped up and were there... in very big
ways!

Each of the "1sts" as they are called in the "W Club" (Widows & Widowers)
came and passed. While I missed my husband I had supportive friends
and family who surrounded me, I also found the time
alone, not only bearable but refreshing.Yes there have
been and will continue to be lonely days to be sure..way too quiet for
my liking, but here for me to navigate non the less.

Amazingly after Valentine's Day an interesting thing happened. I began to
really value my minutes, hours and days to myself. In fact I have become
quite protective of them. Friends from the past who haven't been a part
of my present want to invade and I find myself building boundaries
that I probably should put there long ago. I'm looking for sincerity in relationships
in place of perhaps numbers which at one time might have been important.

My Mother in Law has recovered. At 93 years of age she is happy
and healthy...wanted to go forward in her life and live it everyday. She
is an inspiration to me, as was her son.

Don't misunderstand...my "big guy" still crosses my mind daily...feel him
pushing me to do certain things as he might have. He had such a big
heart & was so thoughtful...I've never been that kind! Spending my life
with him however made me a better person...and it feels some days like he
is continuing to motivate me.

There is no choice really...but it is refreshing to discover that I can live
without the love of my life....and he would want me to. I can smile,
even though he is no longer in this world...I can live on for myself and
that is OK.

























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944