Fearing Forward

                    As I recovered for weeks from injuries sustained from
       falling off my horse...I could not wait to get back to my mare and out
       on the trails with my friends. It was practically all I could imagine...
       mounting "Chloe", my beautiful Tennessee Walker and  riding off. I hired
       a trainer to work with her gaits, so I could watch, while I healed...hoping
       to keep myself engaged. 
                    Finally the magical day came and my surgeon cleared me.
      I scheduled a trail ride with good friends...and off we went. It felt so wonderful,
      to be moving through the woods on Chloe's back again. She was good and behaved
      as I had expected. It almost felt "normal" again!
                  Then however near the end of the ride Chloe suddenly wouldn't stop,
      in fact, she didn't listen to my hands or my legs...began to whirl, as she had the day I fell. I 
      started to become really scared! The asphalt was right next to the trail we were on and my
      friends had moved out ahead. It was between myself and my FEAR in the form of my
      formally "dead with a heartbeat"horse. I had only been here once in my life, weeks before

      ...and I ended up hurt on the ground.

                  I had to make myself forget the hard surface I really wanted
     to avoid and concentrate on Chloe as she was in that moment, that day, not the horse
     I had known. We were able to straighten out and catch up with our friends...trying to breath
     deeply knowing all the while things had changed. The "normal"
     I had felt no longer existed...the training had worked...she was energized, wanting
     to move out with the others...while I was more timid than ever. 
                   That experience on the trail is there to remind me daily in my new life, without
     my best friend  and late husband, Bill.  The path of my life is clearly changing.
     My heart has responded to the training of the grief and has become energized wanting
     to move forward, while timid and clumsy to new friendships and experiences.
     Obstacles are presenting themselves as they did with Chloe...but this is
     my life today, and I have to learn to navigate it.I remind myself to breathe deeply and deal with 
     the fear so I can catch up with my "new normal".
     


     



























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

"Journey Without Leaving Home"

A Spiritual Journey

And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles,
no matter how long,
but only by a spiritual journey,
a journey of one inch,
very arduous and humbling and joyful,
by which we arrive at the ground at our feet,
and learn to be at home.

~Wendall Berry

 

It has been almost 3 months since I have attended to my blog. In that
time very little new has occurred. But I have "journeyed" far without ever
leaving my little Florida town and my
world has changed so very much.

I had been warned how tough the holidays would be, the New Year
and Bill's birthday...Valentine's Day. My Mother in Law was still
grieving. She refused to eat and developed a blood clot. She went into Hospice care.
People I had hoped would be there for me, even family went back to
their lives of course. But remarkably others whom
I had never expected to be in my life, stepped up and were there... in very big
ways!

Each of the "1sts" as they are called in the "W Club" (Widows & Widowers)
came and passed. While I missed my husband I had supportive friends
and family who surrounded me, I also found the time
alone, not only bearable but refreshing.Yes there have
been and will continue to be lonely days to be sure..way too quiet for
my liking, but here for me to navigate non the less.

Amazingly after Valentine's Day an interesting thing happened. I began to
really value my minutes, hours and days to myself. In fact I have become
quite protective of them. Friends from the past who haven't been a part
of my present want to invade and I find myself building boundaries
that I probably should put there long ago. I'm looking for sincerity in relationships
in place of perhaps numbers which at one time might have been important.

My Mother in Law has recovered. At 93 years of age she is happy
and healthy...wanted to go forward in her life and live it everyday. She
is an inspiration to me, as was her son.

Don't misunderstand...my "big guy" still crosses my mind daily...feel him
pushing me to do certain things as he might have. He had such a big
heart & was so thoughtful...I've never been that kind! Spending my life
with him however made me a better person...and it feels some days like he
is continuing to motivate me.

There is no choice really...but it is refreshing to discover that I can live
without the love of my life....and he would want me to. I can smile,
even though he is no longer in this world...I can live on for myself and
that is OK.

























Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

With The TV On

I have often wondered what having bipolar disorder is like. Grieving I am beginning to believe has to be a lot like that, with variations of mood that come and go like the wind. Without much warning a good day can become a sad time or listening to music can dissolve into a "pity party". These "cycles" are temporary, however they effect whatever I am engaged in. Funny we are taught in graduate school, for therapists, that there are stages of grief, predictable, you know. I am finding when one isn't the counselor, like most intense feelings in life...grief is messy and not so organized at all.

The most difficult times are the weekends when my friends "couple up" for various activities and functions. They may kindly send an invite but typically I do not want that "3rd wheel" feeling of tagging along. Bedtime can be tough too...no matter how I try to wear myself out...I find myself all too aware that I am in that king size bed alone, with the TV on, as I no longer have the soft snoring sounds coming from the other side.

I am told to be gentle with myself through these times and I try to be. I find if I am too understanding I can become "stuck" in memories and not move forward with my day. Identifying my grief" triggers" is my goal these days, so that I do not dissolve into sadness in the middle of a holiday event or a time out with friends. Not surprisingly it is easier to be the counselor, than the client.

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

Sneaky Season of Grief

 
In the three months since my husband passed away from multiple myeloma
I have discovered that grief is sneaky! Many days I have felt better, only to
feel anger or dissolve into tears when confronted by something that
reminded me of him or the disease itself. I took my rage out on the illness
and for a short time turned my back on the many friends and medical
staff who had supported us so much through the years. By avoiding
people around me & the places Bill and I visited, I hoped
to close off the pain channel in my heart.

I took a trip to NC where we had owned a home for many years. I took
part of Bill to the top of his beloved mountain and left him there for eternity.
Upon my return I attended a portion of my 40th high school reunion and
brought home my 5 month old border collie puppy to train as
therapy dog, hopefully to use one day in my practice.

During these two weeks, the anger and sadness have faded,
with only a few sneak attacks. Life's colors have brightened with the
fall leaves. My husband is with me always, but I am turning outward again to
a new life without him physically in sight each day. The value of
what life holds for me is more evident. While I don't doubt
the continuing power of grieving, I have energy for a new life,
being released and something I haven't felt in many days,
kinda of sneaking up on me also...joy!










Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

A Person's Purpose

Purpose..."the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." by
definition. But how does it feel when one lives without one? No definite
answer there for sure, as each of us would need find that for ourselves. Do we truly
know when we are with or without purpose to our lives?

Do you live with the purposes or values that are truly most
important to you? If you made a list of say 5 of them this minute, compared them 
to how you spent your time for the past week...would you find yourself truly living your
values? Or would you find yourself merely talking the talk, instead of walking the walk?
Would you change things up? Would you be able to? In these tough economic and
questionably moral times, the possibility for making sizable changes to our lives 
might be questionable in practice, not to mention realistically speaking.

However, the lack of purpose, might gleam as an explanation for the seemingly
unexplainable crimes, activities and issues we see going on around us
in the world these days. Do our families, towns, churches and government. 
all have a defined purpose and are they being carried out? 

You can start with yourself, the person in the mirror. If you believe you have
values and purpose in your life today, get out two pieces of paper ...
discover if you are really living them.

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148 http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/61944

 "We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us
 - Joseph Campbell."

  Parents of children with special needs come to my office with a great deal of grief...sadness and
  anger buried over the plans they had for their child that never was. So often
  a Mom or Dad just can't get past the fact this child is who & what they are, instead of all the
  parent had hoped & dreamed their child might be. If we are unable to work past this in
  therapy both the child and the parents miss out on what their life is & can
  be every day that they have together. I heard a parent advocate say once and
  I am paraphrasing..."these families miss out on the trip they can take to Japan, because
  the parents   keep grieving over their lost trip to France."

  Due to the economic downturn of the last several years, many retirees feel the same way.Those
  who come to my office are lamenting the loss of the retirement  they have so carefully planned
  perhaps for 30 years.  They may have to continue to work or are stuck in the family home that
  is no longer worth close to what it once was. As the days go by, life goes on,
  but these folks miss out sadly holding onto their past dreams instead.

 When my hubby was first diagnosed with MM, we thought the " new normal" wouldn't be so
 tough....and  life went on. Then with pneumonia, (several), hospitalizations and a last minute
 spleen removal, our life that was "waiting for us" kept changing. It has gotten even more
 restrictive as  far as plans go, my work, travel and even  time with family now, as Bill catches
 infections very,  very easily. But he isn't in much pain and we know how lucky he is to have
 MM and not have weak,  aching bones every day. He is here and we are together still in this life.

I have little doubt our friends may be wagering at this point as to whether we will
show up to any planned event! Family too! But oh when we do...what a wonderful
time we have! We "take the little times and make them big times..and
"save the times that are alright, for the ones that aren't so good" ( R. McKuen, The Sea ).  









Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148
https://jodihunderhilllmhc.secure-client-area.com/portal/index/default/

Don't Give Up On Balance

 

 Since Bill's illness was diagnosed three years ago our wonderful friends have become even more understanding than before. Many times we have to cancel plans at the last minute as Bill's multiple myeloma & the infections are so unpredictable. Hubby can feel fine at 2pm in the afternoon only to be ill by 5pm. We so love our buddies who make allowances for us.

I have noticed over my years of private practice that

many clients even with good support systems

over time begin not setting goals, even small ones

for the future. These are folks that did not demonstrate

any signs of depression and appear to want to

spend time in their social circles. Early

in my counseling career this would stump me as I

would look for symptoms that might underlie the

obvious. 

To keep balance in my life I entered horse shows,

or agreed to a beach ride, only to have to cancel on several occasions as Bill has become ill. People are very understanding...and thankfully, they keep pushing me to try

again. 

My clients didn't want to keep being disappointed

when something they had looked forward to did not

materialize.  Some may have withdrawn or just didn't bother to make future plans with friends or family based on the immediate past. They didn't want to be let down or let others down again. Many have told me over time this is easier on them emotionally than the highs and lows of plans falling through. Or did they lack any further energy to try?

Many caretakers and cancer patients know this "normal"

that has become their daily lives all depending of course

on where they are in the treatment process and the

disease they are fighting. Online support groups,

Facebook pages, blogging and activities around the home

that bring pleasure can many times help to fill the void.

Scheduling friends to "drop by" to be with your loved while

you make it to your planned activity can also help a great

deal to refuel your emotional engines.

While it may be tempting to pull back from your social world. Don't as you can get so stuck with an unbalanced life, that it can feel like quicksand. DO what you need to do for

balance. Reach out!

Jodi H. Underhill MEd. LMHC Licensed Mental Health

Counselor License #MH9166 Phone: 386.747.7148